


Drowning

by apathiist



Series: Drowning [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Drowning, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apathiist/pseuds/apathiist
Summary: Steven is chained to the bottom of the ocean, figuratively.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Drowning [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672231
Comments: 14
Kudos: 94





	1. Another Sleepless Night

**Author's Note:**

> A three part fanfic

1:00 am.

It’s 1 am in the morning.

1 am.

Steven slammed the phone down onto the desk next to him. Tears swell up in his eyes as he yanks the blanket closer to his chest. His thoughts consume his mind; sleeping is not an option tonight. Yet, he tries. He so desperately tries to close his eyes without having to give up mere seconds after. It’s not fair, is it? But it’s his fault. He can’t stop his brain from living; he can’t stop his memories flooding; and although he could close his eyes and relax, he can’t. The silence, the darkness, the pathetic attempts of trying to find the most comfortable position. It’s all too much for him. 

Nights are long. For Steven, nights are the longest. The days themselves seem to mush together, entering and leaving in an instant. No matter what he does, he fails at seeing his efforts in a positive light. All 12 hours wasted. Creating a garden? It doesn’t even matter in the end, they’re all just gonna die anyway. Spending the day with Connie? Steven is being too clingy; Connie is basically his only human friend, and he knows how annoying he is. Always bothering her, always calling her, trying to propose? How stupid of him. Helping the Crystal Gems? With what? There’s no one to fight. Even if there was, like Bluebird, for instance, they wouldn’t listen to him until it was too late. They don’t even need him, anyways. 

Steven’s stomach churned at that last thought. He clutched his gem with one hand, the other pressing on his chest. His heart felt like a cavity inside of him; a deep, dark, and empty cavity that seemed to expand after every breath. Those tears he’s been fighting back? They came pouring out of him, or at least he thought they would’ve been. Instead, his eyes began to feel heavy, as if his eyelids were carrying the weight of the world. Not a single tear. He couldn’t muster up enough strength to cry. His breath became shallow, and his hands started to shake. It’s not fair, he thought. He opened his mouth to scream, but only a shy whimper came out. How pitiful. Here is the great and mighty Steven Universe, who used to be so bubbly, happy, optimistic. Look at him as he suffers the thought of not being needed. What a sad excuse for a gem. What a sad excuse for a human being.

1:45 am.

The floor was cold, but that didn’t stop him from slowly rising from his bed. As he ran his fingers through his hair, he looked around his room. His vision blurs for a moment, forcing him to take a step back. It’s fine. Being extra careful as to not wake anyone up, he lightly stepped down the stairs, and found himself in front of the door. No one was in sight, so he opened it. The cool air brushed against him as he found his gaze towards the beach. The ocean was beautiful, and the moon was doing it justice. It was perfect for a moonlit stroll, wasn’t it? He smiled to himself, but his eyes spoke of no such happiness. He was tired. Exhausted. The thought of wanting to stop everything was attacking him. Happiness was yet to be in his grasp, and watching the ocean only reminded him of being trapped. He was trapped under water; a prisoner of the subaquatic, suffocating him with his own feelings. He would drown. He would drown, though his lungs were heavy, they were filled with nothing. He’d crave air, but the black abyss would come, instead. Inhaling for the last time, his chest would fill with fire. He’d become dizzy, but suddenly calm. His eyes would close for the last time, finally at rest. 

It could happen. Right here, right now. But Steven decided against it. He looked at himself. Tired was not the word to describe how he was feeling right now. He didn’t feel alive. He didn’t feel alive, he didn’t feel real. His gem started to glow pink. He tried so hard to comprehend that everything that happened happened. This was his reality. This was his past and present, and this could be his future. He started to glow pink. Why? Why was the perfect question to ask. Why was he forced to deal with everyone’s problems? Why was he, a child, threatened over and over again? Why was he the one to establish democracy over the whole goddamn galaxy? He knew the answers. He knew the answers to all of these questions. Everything gem related, he knew. A flame sparked inside of him. Of course he knew. How could he not have known? It wasn’t as if he was raised human. Steven was always treated differently; by the gems, by his dad. Being excluded by the only people he had in his life. Steven Universe was the one to help set them all in the right direction, and this is the thanks he gets? Of course. He doesn’t deserve anything more than what he has right now. He’s just acting up. Steven stopped glowing. He couldn’t do anything right. Ever since he was a child, he couldn’t help anyone. Now, living has become an insurmountable problem. 

2:30 am.

Steven curled back up into the blankets, his mind fuzzy and blank. Everything seemed to slow down, and he felt like he was drowning again. His muscles relaxed, and everything came together. His fingertips become numb as he drifts off into the sleep he’s been hoping for. Only to wake up in a couple of hours and do the same awful routine. 

Then his gem started to glow pink.

The tv turned on, glitching at first. It didn’t take long until the beach appeared. The sun was shining bright, and the ocean was calm.

Steven started to glow pink.

A figure was standing next to the foam. Their shoes were off and they stepped into the water. As they walked further and further away from the beach house, the sun started to go down, and the ocean started to grow wild. The tv started to glitch.

The figure, who was eerily familiar to Steven in looks, started to sink. The ocean twisted and turned, as the sunny skies vanished; thunder and lightning were heard in the background. Skies darkened, rain poured down, yet the person continued to sink. They didn’t bother to fight back. No flapping of arms, no screaming, no swimming. 

Blood began to fill the ocean, but as soon as it happened, it ended.

the tv’s signal was interrupted by a scream, made by the only person in the room.

Steven was shaking, tears falling as his glow started to fade. 

Another sleepless night.


	2. Damp Paper and Blurry Eyes

"It was a tough decision to make, but even the thought of existing has become tiring. Every single day brings nothing but misery, and the act of getting out of bed takes my breath away. Maybe living isn’t for everyone.

It’s not fair, really. I went through so much shit my whole life, trying to help everyone else in need. I’m seen as a “hero”, as some saint, some angel. Nobody cared about my problems. Nobody ever thought of me, the 14 year old boy who was getting thrown into space jail or the boy who had to liberate a whole colony just so the whole earth didn’t die! Stress is an understatement. But now, look at me. I’m so desperate for any use. Nobody needs me anymore. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache. I’ve tried to get better, I’ve tried to be happy, but it’s so hard. I’m not needed anywhere, and every day I go on just makes everyone’s life worse. The pain is unbearable enough as it is, and I just can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the people that believed in me, for the people that loved me, for the people that wanted to get to know me. Your time was wasted on something broken beyond repair. I’m damaged, but not irreplaceable. You all will be fine without me. 

To my dad, Greg Universe,

I’m sorry. It’s really hard to get out these words, because I’m trying not to imagine how you feel reading this note. I know it hurts, but you’re gonna feel better. Just think of it as I moved away, but I never call, or text, or mail ever again. Promise me you won’t mourn over me. I’m not worth your tears. Never give up on your dreams, Dad. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. It must’ve been hard, raising a half human half gem hybrid, and I’m going to set you free. I’ll carry the burden; the responsibility of taking care of me. Just breathe, you’ll be alright, I promise you. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, but until then I’ll be watching over you. I love you. 

To the Crystal Gems,

Pearl, Garnet Amethyst, you probably are confused at all the chaos right now. Although, there’s nothing to freak out about, it’s just my death. Garnet, I know you’re trying to see a possible future with me in it, but there’s no use. Pearl, I’m sorry to put you through all of this again. I guess I’m no better than mom, right? Please don’t be upset, it was bound to happen eventually. Amethyst, you’re like a sister to me. Don’t hate yourself for not saying anything; this is not your fault. I love you all, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the best that I could’ve been. I’ve had so much fun and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You all deserve better. I’m so proud of you guys.

To Connie,

You’ve never failed to bring a smile to my face. You’re the light in my darkness, the strawberry to my biscuit. Basically, you’re the love of my life. I pray that when you grow up, you become the best you can be. I’m never disappointed in you, which is funny, because i'm always disappointed in myself. I don’t regret what I’ve done to myself, but I do regret what I’ve done to you. To all of you. I cause too much pain, but I’m going to fix it. You may hate how I do, but soon enough, you’ll realise that my choice was the best one in the end. I hope you find someone that treats you right, treats you better that I’ve ever done. I love you.

I love you all."

Tears stained Steven’s face as he put the pencil down. Writing was excruciating enough as it was, and knowing in just a few hours he’d be dead sent a chill down his spine. Soon enough, all of his loved ones will read this note, search frantically for him, and end up finding his body in the sea. He was already a bad person, but this, this. He had to, he had to do it. The voices won’t stop until he does, the pain won’t stop unless he does. Everyone would be better off without him. Steven moves away from his desk and lies on the bed. Scrolling through his phone, he looks through his contacts. Blocked. Muted. He hasn’t talked to Connie in days, his father in weeks. How smart of him; he shuts the people he loves most out of his life, and wonders why nobody cares about him. It’s because he does this shit. Steven’s mind starts to race again, and he begins to feel a dull pain around his forehead. Holding his head in his hands, he closes his eyes. Everybody dies at some point, rather get it over and done with. Still, the thought of being dead, forever, never coming back. It haunted him. He was more concerned about how his family felt, the people that raised him, the people that “loved” him. How will they take it? He was so afraid of hurting them while living, that he ended up hurting them in death. How ironic is that. Everything he does, he can never do right. How pathetic. He’s pathetic. 

It was time. He put the note face down on his bed, with a photo of him, the crystal gems, Connie, and his dad next to it. He had a similar photo in his jacket pocket. He held his gaze towards the room for some time, as if he was contemplating his decision. But his mind had already been made up; Steven Quartz Cutie Pie de Mayo Diamond Universe, simply known as Steven Quartz Universe, is going to die. By drowning. This way of going out was important to him, as he lived in beach city for 16 years, knowing nothing but his home, and of course, the ocean. Living by the water was a dream to many, but to him he never acknowledged it. Now, this is the perfect way to give back to the ocean, to pay his respects to the beach. Besides, drowning is a painful way of dying, which is what his mind tells him he deserves. 

It wasn’t long until he was finally on the beach; the day was perfect. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and the waves weren’t that high. Nothing and no one could ruin the joyous and peaceful display, except for Steven. His eyes were heavy, with multiple bags underneath. His face was permanently drained of all happiness; deadpan being his only expression. Sighing, he pulled out his phone one last time. He typed into his phone, leading it to ring.

And ring.

And ring.

To Steven’s surprise, after the third ring, the receiver picks up.

“Steven?”

“Hey, Connie, how are you?” Steven asks nervously, debating whether to go through with it or not.

“I’m fine. I’ve tried to call you multiple times but you never picked up. I’ve texted you, why haven’t you answered? Are you okay?” Connie's voice grows in concern, getting bad energy just from talking to him via phone. Him ignoring her was something that only happens when he’s dealing with something emotional, whether it be with others or himself. She had a feeling it was the latter.

“Yeah everything’s fine, but we need to talk about something.” His voice sounded shaky, but luckily he hid it well. Sweat forms on his forehead as he starts to pace around the beach in small circles, waiting for her reply. 

The call was silent for a minute, until Connie mustered up enough courage to reply.

“S-sure,” she could already feel a lump in her throat. “Wh-what’s wrong?”

Taking a deep breath, Steven turns his attention to the ocean, his house, and then to his gem. He has to do this; it’ll ease the pain for them both.

“I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve someone better, someone more worthy.” It was a word vomit he couldn’t control, and as soon as he said it, he regretted it.

“Wait, WHAT!?!” Connie screams in confusion. Tears swell up in her eyes as everything she did with him goes through her mind. What has she done? What did she do wrong? She tried to question him, only to be hung up on. 

On the other side of the line that ended, Steven was glowing pink. He started to sob, throwing his phone somewhere far away. The tears burned him, leaving a painful reminder of all his faults. He lost his balance and fell to the ground.He couldn’t take it. His heart broke hearing her scream, knowing he was the reason she could be crying. The thoughts came back again, claiming he was a waste of space and that nobody loved him, nobody wanted him here. Head in his hands, shaking violently, he desperately screamed for someone to stop it; for someone to save him from himself. The horrible facts kept repeating in his mind, and then, it stopped. The swarm of negative emotions paused for a moment. He was filled with the worst pain; the numbness. It was like it completely possessed his mind and body. Only one thing was one his mind. Rising from the ground, He wiped his eyes, ran his hand through his hair, took off his shoes, and slowly guided his gaze towards the water. He knew what had to happen now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's 2 am here, which isn't unusual for me now. Living has become exhausting now, since I really have no purpose. I mean, now that school is out for possibly the rest of the year, what am I gonna do? I literally just waste the days away watching tv, playing video games, and youtube. Which is funny, because doing all that used to make me so happy. Oh well, lol. Anyways, Easter is tomorrow! So happy Easter to all who celebrate it. I hope everyone who reads the AFILAW fic read the recent update. I hope you all understand :)!!
> 
> Do you guys ever feel out of place? Like your a piece to a puzzle that seems like a perfect fit, but something is off? I don' think that feeling's unusual, but I've been in a new place for 2 years now,april 1st was my anniversary, and that's how I feel every day. It's like it's not my life, like I don't want to be here, even though I know it's better for me?? IDK maybe I'm just stupid or something, which I am lmao. Anyways hope you enjoyed the fic and gn!


	3. Waves Crash into Oblivion

_ “Maybe living isn’t for everyone.” _

As soon as the call ended, she fell to the ground in an instant, tears flooding out of her as she tried to process what the hell had just happened. Was it her? What did she do? Then she paused in her frantic search for an explanation.

_ “ _ _ You deserve someone better, someone more worthy.” _

That sentence. For some reason, that sentence was the only thing etched in her mind. The way he said it; so dejected, so void of any life; monotone. 

It was then she realized that she didn’t have much time, that Steven’s life was on the line.

Numbness surrounded Steven. He knew that this was it. There was no turning back from his decision. The waves got a little more rough, crashing more frequently. It was as if the ocean knew, and was accepting him.

For a moment, Steven felt something in his life that wasn’t pain. He felt kind of happy. Isn’t it funny that in his final moments, he finally feels some relief. As he stepped closer to the shore, he let his feet sink into the sand, letting himself feel the tiny grains for the last time.

It felt nice, to have one final moment to look back on his home; to look back on his past. Although this was his last day on earth, it felt like his happiest. Everything that bothered him in the past finally became evanescent to him; he no longer cared. A small smile grew upon his lips as a single tear finally ran down his cheek. He continued down to touch the water.

  
  


Connie tried to catch her shaky breath as she explained the situation at hand to the gems and Mr. Universe in the quickest manner she could. She knew time was running out, and if they didn’t get there soon, Steven would be dead. The mere thought of Steven ceasing to exist made Connie’s stomach churn. She couldn’t take it. 

Only two minutes went by, but to them, it felt like an eternity. The gem-human hybrid was already knee deep in the ocean, and every second he took to go deeper was another second the team couldn’t waste. Garnet tried to see into the future, to see if there was a future that had Steven alive and well, but what she saw would only haunt her for the rest of her life. Amethyst went through every recent memory of Steven, and found tears welling up when she realized the little hints he had been dropping for a long time. Pearl, on the other hand, felt immense guilt. She endured grief and heartache throughout her life, and felt the need to hide it all. When she fell, Steven raised her up. How could she not do the same for him? Why didn’t he come to Pearl? Was it her? 

Greg couldn’t even fathom what was going on. His son? Dead? He remembered holding Steven as a baby. He remembered cradling him, changing his diapers, watching him grow. His baby, his son, his everything. 

He then finally snapped into reality. 

_ Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. _

His mind raced as his breathing got faster. “No, no, no, no, no, no!” He screamed, praying that Steven wasn’t going through with it. Finally, Lion created a portal for them to reach the house. As they stumbled upon the ground, Connie was the first to get up on her feet. She looked around to see if there might be any clues. 

_ His room! Of course! _

It only took a few seconds for them to dash up the stairs and search desperately around his room, ending in Greg finding the tear stained note, with a photo of them all together. His eyes widened as he called everyone to gather around, while his shaky hands held up the note to read aloud.

_ “It was a tough decision to make, but even the thought of existing has become tiring.”  _

Steven was shoulder deep into the water, taking his time. 

_ “You all will be fine without me.” _

As Greg became overwhelmed with emotions, he tried his best to continue reading. Amethyst couldn’t bear watching the old man cry, and decided to walk around Steven’s room, taking in everything as if this room would collapse any second. Looking through the window, she noticed a familiar head of hair in the ocean.

_ “I’m going to set you free.”  _

Steven took a breath, and finally let his whole body sink into the water.

_ “I’m so proud of you guys.”  _

The sound of panicked footsteps filled the Beach house as everyone scrambled to get out of the door in time. Was there still time?

_ “I love you.” _

Stevens' heart pounded as he floated deeper into the ocean, his lungs burning, begging for air to breathe.

_ “I love you all.” _

The waves became more violent as Connie desperately tried to locate where he was. He was no longer visible to the eye. Maybe he ran away? No, impossible. There wouldn’t be enough time.

“Garnet, can’t you just use your future vision to locate him?” Amethyst urged, fidgeting with her hands. She was trying to stay calm, but she knew. She already knew.

Garnet stood still, silent, and faced the ocean. A few seconds passed before she clenched her hands and ran towards the shore. Pearl and Greg were holding each other, sobbing into the other’s arms. 

Connie was knee deep when she noticed bubbles forming in the water.

“He’s over there!” She screamed, as she tried her best to run as fast as she could. The gems looked over, making their way to Connie and Steven. Greg tried to reach them, but he could feel a pit growing in his stomach. They were too late.

Stevens' vision started to blur, and he felt as if he saw a figure, warm and loving, extending a hand out to him. Reaching out with all his might, his body started to relax, and the darkness seeped into his sight. He could hear faint yells, but sadly he was too far gone. An euphoric sensation filled him as his lungs filled with more water, causing him to inhale one finale time. Suddenly, everything goes black, and Steven’s body begins to descend further down the dark abyss.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a hahahahaha sorry it took so long guys
> 
> OH wait? 2020 is almost over?
> 
> I posted this the day before 2021?
> 
> oops..
> 
> anyways sorry ive literaly  
> ben  
> dead  
> ig?
> 
> uh its currently 3 am rn (i have not changed) and i finished this while watching my friend stream Undertale.
> 
> Ngl the soundtrack goes really well with Steven dying.
> 
> anyways yeah  
> thats it
> 
> he dies
> 
> rip steven
> 
> i'd write a whole paragraph on the suf ending and how i cried my heart out and all that  
> but ok  
> anyways  
> there u go!  
> sorry for taking so long,, artist block really gets ya lol  
> farewell, then
> 
> \- apathiist 2020


End file.
